November 7, 2005

Chickie grew up in Philadelphia with his mom, dad, and older sister. As a kid, he was fat and got picked on a lot, though he doesn't think that's why he got involved in drugs. His home life was good, but he hated school from day one. He attended catholic schools but did not finish high school.

He first started experimenting, with alcohol and weed, when he was 13 years old. It started out as just something to do for fun. He had a lot of good times during the years he was playing with various drugs, but when he got involved with heroin, things went rapidly downhill. He has been a heroin addict for 10 years.

During the course of his heroin addiction, he has been in prison more times than he can keep track of. He overdosed on 9 different occasions, has had 30 different broken bones, and has been stabbed in 4 different incidents, with 10 wounds to show for it. These injuries resulted from fights, accidents, robberies, etc. Once, while working as a roofer, he fell 3 stories. Other than for treatment of these emergencies, he hadn't been to a doctor or a dentist in 15 years.

Chickie has been in and out of many rehabs over the years, but has now been clean for 5 months, the longest stretch of time yet, except for when he was incarcerated. While he sometimes thinks about drugs, he no longer has any desire to use, even though he sees drug sales on his street on a daily basis. He's not sure why this time is different, other than he thinks that something finally just "clicked."

Until this time, it was always just about him. He was so selfish, which he attributes to the drugs. He wouldn't even pay attention to or play with his two daughters. He's now dropped the "poor me" attitude and also speculates that his recent diagnoses of hepatitis C and B, as well as testing positive for HIV, may be factors. Despite these diagnoses, he feels healthy now that he's no longer using drugs, loves to cook and eat good, healthy food, and has re-gained the weight he'd lost when he'd dropped to a toothpick of 140 pounds.

Previously, every time that he was in jail or a rehab, it was like a welcome break. Three hot meals and a place to sleep, or "three hots and a cot" as he says. According to him, it used to be really easy to just walk into a rehab and check yourself in, but not anymore.

When asked what he thinks about those who didn't survive, he says that he feels somewhat sad for them, but also feels that they are lucky in a way - that they didn't have to live on and on with the hell of their addiction.

Coming out of his 10 year hell has almost been like coming out of a time machine for Chickie. He is just learning about computers and finds them fascinating. He is learning to type and is eager to get back to a productive life and get back into roofing work. People have said to him, "Well, you've just been out there having a good old time for the past 10 years."

But, it has been anything but a good time. People have also told him that he is like a different person now - like the old Chickie they used to know from way back before he got involved in drugs. He recognizes this himself, admitting that when he was using, he was like an animal, and all that mattered was getting high. He said that if it were a choice between him getting high and someone else's life, he would have chosen his own high.

When asked if I should put his story on the "Still Struggling" or "Success Stories" page, he said he is definitely not a success story yet. However, he does hope to be able to move over to that page someday, while at the same time his cautious optimism prevents him from making any iron-clad promises or guarantees.

Chickie's mom has run a support group for other families struggling with addicted children, and tells me that, whenever he was able, Chickie would attend those meetings.

As I found him to be when I interviewed him for this website, his mom says that he was very open and honest about himself and shared it with the group. The family members would ask him questions about things that were going on with their own addicts and he would point out the conning and the manipulation that the addict engages in.

Most families don't see, or don't want to see these things, especially early on in an addiction. Even though they had an addictions counselor facilitating their meetings, the families would flock to Chickie afterwards, to talk to him. His mom was very proud of how he handled himself.

At the present time, this group has more or less dissolved, but she hopes that if and when it reestablishes itself, Chickie will come back again, because he was a tremendous asset to the group.

I must say that I found Chickie's open honesty very refreshing and I feel that the "still struggling" addicts on this website are the bravest of all. It definitely takes some courage for families to come forward and publicize the fact that their child died from drugs, and I applaud those families for doing so, for the greater good of those who follow. But, at least their deceased children will not suffer the shame or the stigma of having their stories told.

I think it takes even more courage for those who have been addicts, but are in long-term recovery, to admit their pasts, and tell their stories, and to them I am truly grateful. For, without their stories of success, we might not believe that recovery truly IS possible, given timely and appropriate treatment. Their stories are VITALLY important. But, at least they can come forward with pride and say, "Yes, I was an addict, but I have beaten it."

However, those who are STILL struggling but nevertheless willing to come forward and tell their stories, are, in my opinion, the bravest of them all.